The Joy of Infertility

Before I start, I want to make sure you know that this post is not to complain, make anyone feel

guilty or to get sympathy.  It's an attempt to share where I am at with infertility, how I still struggle with it, and how God is using this struggle to glorify Him and fulfill a plan He has for our life.  It's not an easy one to write, but it's been on my mind for a while.

Infertility is not an easy topic to talk about.  It's a very personal struggle and one that I wish women did not have to go through.  We have many friends who have struggled with it.  Some have families now, some have had multiple children, many have had miscarriages, some have adopted or are in the process, some are still waiting for their families to start.  It's something that I don't want to identify me, but sometimes quite honestly I feel like it does.  But what I've learned is that it is me who identifies myself like that, not others who categorize me with that struggle.

Recently I had someone ask me why we haven't tried harder to have biological children and if Brian and I will love our adopted children as much as we would biological children.  The first question flat out shocked me, I was rather speechless for about a minute.  The second question just made me sad.  Sad that this person sees the potential for such a difference in our future children.  Sad that people may label our kids in this way.  It also made me upset because we have tried hard to start our family biologically.

I've done infertility treatments for years.  Did the self-injectables, pills, creams, ultrasounds, procedures, seen multiple doctors, been poked and prodded more times than I care to count.  I've thrown and attended plenty of baby showers and wished they were for me.  I've cried plenty of tears over not having a pregnancy yet.  Brian and I have prayed thousands upon thousands of prayers for our future children (as have many of our family and friends).

I've also made deeper friendships with women who share in this same struggle, we've been able to connect in a deeper way.  I've welcomed friends' miracle babies and celebrated their pregnancies with them.  I've learned that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  I've learned that through all of these struggles, God will get the glory for the day we hold our first child in our arms.

The Joy of Infertility may seem like a strange title for this blog, but I know that our struggle will bring us insurmountable joy in the future.  We'll have a home with more laughter and love.   We already know that this was the path God had planned for us to start our family.  We'll get to share our journey with others and hopefully offer them encouragement, hope and joy through their journey. We have found joy through this journey and will continue to find it.  Of course there will still be some trials, but what good thing isn't worth fighting for?  

FAQ

Research any topic online or read the owner’s manual of a new product and you will probably find a section of frequently asked questions. Genius! I would love to shake the hand of whoever first came up with the FAQ section because there is nothing more tiring and frustrating than having to answer the same basic questions over and over. When we started this adoption journey we had lots of questions ourselves, and we have certainly answered lots of questions from other people. As we began to step through the process, we quickly learned that we didn’t know near as much as we thought we did about the whole process, but we also learned that in general, people really know nothing about adoption. Sure there are a lot of “experts” out there with their incorrect assumptions, but in general people just don’t understand how the process works.  So, if you would like to learn the basics about adoption you can go here, but I decided to take it upon myself to create a FAQ section that is specific to our adoption journey. Some of the questions are valid, some are funny, some are hurtful, and some you just want to smack the person who asked it, but I have tried my best to compile a list that covers most of the questions that people have.

Before we get to the FAQs I did want to share some fun updates with you. We recently had the opportunity to spread our story and help to promote adoption by doing interviews with the local Charlotte news stations. When these aired we did have to field a ton of questions from family, friends, and total strangers. So doing these interviews and dealing with all of the questions afterwards is what lead me to write this blog entry. So please go check out our interviews. J  NBC  CBS

Here are some of the questions that we have gotten:

1.       Wow, adoption huh! Why? Don’t you want your own kids? – So this one hurts. We know that people don’t mean anything by it, but when you have struggled with infertility, this one hurts a lot. The answer is of course we would love to have our own kids, but we have always wanted to adopt as well. We have struggled with infertility for over six years, but whether through adoption or natural conception, we are excited to add children to our family.

2.       So will the kid be from the United States? – Well, funny you should ask that. When we first decided to pursue adoption, we were set on international because we didn’t want to be the Lifetime movie where a child is adopted and the birth parent(s) come back and take them away. After attending a class that our agency requires for the process, our eyes were opened to the realities of domestic adoption and the struggles of international adoption. So, we have decided to switch to a domestic infant adoption.

3.       So why did you change? – With international adoptions, the timelines just keep getting longer and longer. When we started the process we were looking at Ethiopia, and then they changed their regulations and it was going to take 4+ years. So then we signed up for Haiti, same thing. China, same. North Korea, same. Domestic can be as quick as 9 months. So we made the decision to switch.

4.       So will you know who your kids “real” mom and dad are? – 

      So first off, don't ever refer to them as the “real parents”, they are the birth mother and father.  When we are raising our child(ren) we will be the REAL parents. 

Secondly, with domestic adoption you can choose between an open or closed adoption. Closed adoption would be where there is no contact or exchange of information with the birth parents. An open adoption would be the exact opposite of that and there are varying levels of openness. The biggest positive with an open or semi-open adoption is that when our child begins to ask questions about where they came from, we have some answers. We have decided to have an open adoption. We are not sure how open yet, because that is going to     depend on the birth parents, but there will be some form of openness. Here is a very straight forward article on the pros and cons of an open adoption. Again, our biggest deciding factor is that we believe it is what is best for the child.

5.       Is there like this room where you go and you can just pick which baby you want? – Umm no

6.       Will your kid be white? – With domestic adoption you can specify what ethnicity you would like, but the more stipulations you put on it the longer you will probably have to wait. Ethnicity is not going to be any type of deciding factor for us.

7.       So will your kid be black then? – Most likely our child will be in the ethnic minority

8.       If they are black, do you know how to take care of their hair? – No, but we have black friends that have already offered to help teach us. Worst case scenario we have youtube. Besides, I can't wait to have a kid with an afro as glorious as this.

9.       What happens if the birth parents change their mind? – Unfortunately this is still a possibility but not in the way that you may think. Before we went to the class that I referred to earlier, we thought that the birth parents could come back like when the child is 5 years old, and they can take us to court and get their kid back. That is definitely not a situation that we want to be a part of. In North Carolina, the birth mother has seven days to change her mind. This seven days is referred to as the revocation period. As far as the birth father is concerned, there are many ways to go about terminating his rights as a parent, and that is something that is taken care of during the entire adoption process.

     

     Our agency, Bethany Christian Adoption Services, is very good about protecting all parties involved, and if they are seeing any red flags from the birth mother that indicate that she may change her mind, then the baby is placed with a temporary care taker until the seven day revocation period is done. This way we don’t bring the child home for a few days and then have to give them back. Now there is still the possibility that the birth mother could change her mind, but they receive a lot of counseling and guidance through the agency, and when they reach the decision to allow their child to be adopted, it has been a long well thought out process. So, once the revocation period is done and the adoption is finalized, there are no legal grounds on which the birth parents or family could come back and take the child away. It’s just not going to happen.

10.   So when do you get to go pick up your kid? – It’s not like the adoption agency has a drive thru and we can just swing by tomorrow on our way home from work and pick up a kid.

Once our home study process is completed, we will have to create a profile book for birth mothers to look through. Then we wait for a birth mother to select us. That process could take as little as a few weeks to a few months, but on average a domestic adoption through our agency is completed in 9-12 months. Our goal is still to have a child home for Christmas.

11.   How much is your kid going to cost? – Because we switched to a domestic adoption it is going to be a little less than international, but the total cost is somewhere between $25,000-$30,000

12.   Why so much? Where does it all go? – Legitimate question. Most of it goes to cover legal fees and agency fees, but some of it does help to cover the birth mothers medical costs.

13.   Will you tell your child that they are adopted? – Yes we will eventually when we feel the time is right. Again that is one of the reason that we want to have some type of openness in our adoption so that we can give answers to our child when they need them.

14.   You are doing lots of fundraisers to help with the costs. If you can’t afford to pay for the adoption, how are you going to afford to take care of the child? – We are able to take care of a child, and we have spent a lot of time going through our family budget to make sure that is the case. The issue is that we don’t currently have $30,000 just sitting there that we could use for the adoption. Before you can take the child home form the hospital you have to write that final check for the placement fee, and we just don’t have it sitting there right now. We are saving and making lots of sacrifices to get the money, but yes we are also trying to find creative ways for our friends and family to help. However, we believe that no matter the circumstance, God will provide all of our needs

15.   What can we do to help? – You can start by praying for us. You can also just help us get our story out there by sharing our blog and facebook page with your friends, and lastly just participate in our fundraisers.

Hopefully this answered some questions. If you do have any other questions, please ask us. You can comment below or ask us face to face. We will gladly answer any questions that anyone has. We are so excited about this journey, and we want to share it with as many people as possible.

Brian

The Wow Factor

Our adoption has the Wow Factor.  The, "whoa, I can't believe that just happened!" factor.

First, I want to make it clear that I am not bragging on us, or what we are doing.  I am bragging on what God is doing, the people He has called to help us, the people who have said "yes" when He placed an opportunity in their life to bless us.  We've had hundreds of these Wow stories, and I just wanted to share and celebrate some of them today.  We've been wanting to share them as encouragement to others who are stepping out in faith to start a family, to thank those who have supported us thus far and to be able to look back on this with our children one day and remind them of all the people that have been praying for and loving them before they even met. 

We have friends who were leading a mission trip to Uganda this past November.  They took time out of their mission trip to purchase us handfuls of Ugandan paper bead necklaces to bring back here. They spent their own money to support us with them so that we could use them as a fundraiser for our babies. 

Another family who has a lot of kids sold their house and prayed about what to do with the money they made off of it.  They could have easily taken a vacation, spent it on their children or spent it on a shopping trip.  Instead they sent us an extremely generous amount that helped us pay for our home study.  Their children pray for our children on a regular basis.  

A couple that doesn't even live here has made it a point to pray for us every night, share our story in their small groups and at their jobs, pray with us on the phone about our future babies, encourage us constantly and send us encouragement in the mail often.  

People we just met offered to take photographs of us and donate photo shoots to contribute financially.  Friends who own small businesses have hosted parties and given all of their proceeds to the adoption.  Another friend who adopted two babies last year is teaching me how they raised their money so that I can do what they did.  She's taking time from her children to help us get our children.  

Our eGroup has supported us prayerfully for weeks.  Sending us consistent encouragement through emails, phone calls and texts.  They've had our backs when things on social media didn't go our way. They've helped at garage sales, making ornaments, purchasing items and sharing our story in various ways,

My cousins have been tremendous!  Not only by praying for us but by supporting us financially. Cousins who are newlyweds, cousins who have lots of kids, cousins who we don't see often.  I've never loved getting the snail mail as I have these past few months.  

My friends from college have supported us in so many ways too.  Sending us reminders and prayers about our future children, buying Christmas ornaments, making Christmas ornaments for our fundraiser, and just asking questions about them.  Having people want to know more about adoption and raising their awareness is a huge deal to us!

Brian's employees completely surprised him at Christmas and collected money as a team to purchase the top ornament we had for our Christmas fundraiser. 

Not that one story is more important, or carries more weight, but there is one that I know we will never forget and that our children will know the importance of.  One family who was able to turn their tragedy into a blessing for us.  A family who lost their son while his mom was still pregnant with him.  These are friends who have known us for a while, have prayed for us to have our own babies, and have been blessed to have their own son.  We've gone through a lot with each other and been able to support and encourage one another through the last (almost) three years.  We've cried together over our future families, prayed for our husbands together, volunteered together, laughed together, shared many meals together and a love for The Walking Dead.   A few weeks after their son's funeral, they blessed us with a part of his life insurance policy.  They wanted to make his life and legacy a blessing for someone else.  As someone who can't wait to be a mom and has prayed about it for years, I can't comprehend burying a child let alone being able to bless someone else because of that child's life.  

Like I said, there are hundreds more stories like this that have blessed us these last five months and we know there will be hundreds more.  Stories where we have said "how is this our life?!"  and "we had no idea others were so excited for us to become parents!".  Stories our children will hear and say "wow, how can we be a blessing to others like they were to us?"  Stories that make you stop and just say, "Wow".  

We don't take this calling to adopt lightly, and we are so grateful for those who stand beside us through this process (many whose stories we have not shared on here yet, but will eventually).  We can't wait to help others on their journey and be a blessing for them.  

As a little teaser also, here is a peak of our baby room so far!

Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork.

So it's been a while. A little over two months to be exact, and despite the fact that we haven't posted any blogs or made a lot of Facebook updates, we have made a lot of progress. The problem is that its not progress that we can really write anything about, and to be honest it's progress thats kind of hard to get excited about. Paperwork. Thats what we have been doing for two months now.

I think I have filled out at least three different monthly budget forms, we had to get certified copies of our marriage license and birth certificates, we both had to fill out 12 page questionnaires, doctors forms, wills, blood tests, drug tests, background checks, and the list goes on and on. Also, most of these documents need multiple signatures, so its more than just filling it out. We have to track down the Dr to sign this sheet of paper, and we need a notary to sign this paper, and we need a non-relative reference to sign these forms, and we need a written statement from our seventh grade science teacher, and so on.  So you can imagine what it is like trying to get all of this stuff together.

The good news is that within the week we will have completed and submitted the first stack of paperwork, and hopefully we can begin our home study this month. The next bit of good news is that we have been able to raise enough money that our home study is already paid for. So thank you to those of you who have participated in fundraisers, or donated, or prayed for our journey. My prayer is that we never take any of this for granted, and that we always realize the miracle that we are getting to live during this process.

Now to be honest with you, I have really struggled with some of the forms and things that we have to complete. I get it, I mean I understand why the agency is asking for all of this stuff, but it still aggravates me. For example, my budget. As I said before, I have had to fill out at least three different monthly budget forms and I have to submit a copy of my tax return from last year. One side of me says "Ok no problem, I have nothing to hide, and besides they are just trying to make sure that we are financially ready to take care of a child" but then the other side of me is furious and screaming "What the hell does it matter how much money I make? If I can afford to pay for the adoption, doesn't that show them that I'm responsible enough to take care of a child. Besides what about the pregnant teenager who can't hold down a job for more than two weeks? Are you going to take their kid away if they don't fill out all of these budget forms and submit a copy of their taxes? No you are just going to give them government assistance and enable them to continue to make bad life choices!"

Maybe I'm stepping over the line by telling you that, but I'm just trying to be honest with what I'm feeling and thinking. Now I should probably clarify that I definitely have the "no problem" way of thinking much more than the "screw you guys" thoughts, but the negative ones are definitely there.

Every time that I have these negative thoughts or find myself comparing my life to someone else's, I think about a quote that my Pastor had not to long ago.  "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel" -Pastor Steven Furtick

This quote has always stuck with me. Bottom line is we never really know what someone else is going through. So when I see that pregnant teenager, or the family with six kids that complains about how hard it is, or the woman who is complaining about being pregnant, and I can feel the rage building up inside of me, I just try to take a step back and realize that I don't know what they have to deal with in their life, and they are called to different things than I am. It's all about perspective. Perspective changes everything. In fact, I believe that this is the second blog post I've had where I talked about perspective.





Do you see two faces or a vase? Same picture, two different ways to look at it. Perspective changes everything.





I can either choose to look at this adoption journey as our only chance at being parents and be a little bitter about the fact that we may never have our own biological children, or I can chose to look at this and believe this was God's plan all along, and we get to change a child's life forever. I choose to have the later point of view. If we struggle with insecurity because our perspective is off, then I have to protect myself and not allow my perspective on this long process to shift to a negative one. I can either choose to see that stack of paperwork on the table as an unconquerable mountain or a tiny little ant hill that is easily taken care of. It's my choice.


So, bring on the paperwork! I'll fill out 15 more budget forms and give you my taxes for the past ten years if I need to. Because it doesn't matter what we need to do. Lauren and I are called by God to be parents. Our kids may not come into our family the traditional way. They may be from another country and they may be another race, but they will still be OUR children, and they will be loved and cared for to the best of our ability.

We will let you know a little later this month when we get the start date for our home study. Thank you so much for following along with us.

Brian