Research any topic online or read the owner’s manual of a
new product and you will probably find a section of frequently asked questions.
Genius! I would love to shake the hand of whoever first came up with the FAQ
section because there is nothing more tiring and frustrating than having to
answer the same basic questions over and over. When we started this adoption
journey we had lots of questions ourselves, and we have certainly answered lots
of questions from other people. As we began to step through the process, we
quickly learned that we didn’t know near as much as we thought we did about the
whole process, but we also learned that in general, people really know nothing
about adoption. Sure there are a lot of “experts” out there with their
incorrect assumptions, but in general people just don’t understand how the
process works. So, if you would like to
learn the basics about adoption you can go here,
but I decided to take it upon myself to create a FAQ section that is specific
to our adoption journey. Some of the questions are valid, some are funny, some
are hurtful, and some you just want to smack the person who asked it, but I
have tried my best to compile a list that covers most of the questions that
people have.
Before we get to the FAQs I did want to share some fun
updates with you. We recently had the opportunity to spread our story and help
to promote adoption by doing interviews with the local Charlotte news stations.
When these aired we did have to field a ton of questions from family, friends,
and total strangers. So doing these interviews and dealing with all of the
questions afterwards is what lead me to write this blog entry. So please go
check out our interviews. J NBC CBS
Here are some of the questions that we have gotten:
1. Wow, adoption huh! Why? Don’t you want your
own kids? – So this one hurts. We know that people don’t mean anything by
it, but when you have struggled with infertility, this one hurts a lot. The
answer is of course we would love to have our own kids, but we have always
wanted to adopt as well. We have struggled with infertility for over six years,
but whether through adoption or natural conception, we are excited to add
children to our family.
2. So will the kid be from the United States? –
Well, funny you should ask that. When we first decided to pursue adoption,
we were set on international because we didn’t want to be the Lifetime movie
where a child is adopted and the birth parent(s) come back and take them away. After
attending a class that our agency requires for the process, our eyes were
opened to the realities of domestic adoption and the struggles of international
adoption. So, we have decided to switch to a domestic infant adoption.
3. So why did you change? – With
international adoptions, the timelines just keep getting longer and longer. When
we started the process we were looking at Ethiopia, and then they changed their
regulations and it was going to take 4+ years. So then we signed up for Haiti,
same thing. China, same. North Korea, same. Domestic can be as quick as 9
months. So we made the decision to switch.
4. So will you know who your kids “real” mom
and dad are? –
So first off, don't ever refer to them as the “real parents”,
they are the birth mother and father. When we are raising our child(ren) we will be
the REAL parents. Secondly, with domestic adoption you can choose between an open or closed adoption. Closed adoption would be where there is no contact or exchange of information with the birth parents. An open adoption would be the exact opposite of that and there are varying levels of openness. The biggest positive with an open or semi-open adoption is that when our child begins to ask questions about where they came from, we have some answers. We have decided to have an open adoption. We are not sure how open yet, because that is going to depend on the birth parents, but there will be some form of openness. Here is a very straight forward article on the pros and cons of an open adoption. Again, our biggest deciding factor is that we believe it is what is best for the child.
5. Is there like this room where you go and
you can just pick which baby you want? – Umm no
6. Will your kid be white? – With domestic
adoption you can specify what ethnicity you would like, but the more
stipulations you put on it the longer you will probably have to wait. Ethnicity
is not going to be any type of deciding factor for us.
7. So will your kid be black then? – Most likely
our child will be in the ethnic minority
8. If they are black, do you know how to take
care of their hair? – No, but we have black friends that have already
offered to help teach us. Worst case scenario we have youtube. Besides, I can't wait to have a kid with an afro as glorious as this.
9. What happens if the birth parents change their
mind? – Unfortunately this is still a possibility but not in the way that
you may think. Before we went to the class that I referred to earlier, we
thought that the birth parents could come back like when the child is 5 years
old, and they can take us to court and get their kid back. That is definitely not
a situation that we want to be a part of. In North Carolina, the birth mother
has seven days to change her mind. This seven days is referred to as the
revocation period. As far as the birth father is concerned, there are many ways
to go about terminating his rights as a parent, and that is something that is
taken care of during the entire adoption process.
Our agency, Bethany Christian Adoption Services, is very good about protecting all parties involved, and if they are seeing any red
flags from the birth mother that indicate that she may change her mind, then
the baby is placed with a temporary care taker until the seven day revocation
period is done. This way we don’t bring the child home for a few days and then
have to give them back. Now there is still the possibility that the birth mother
could change her mind, but they receive a lot of counseling and guidance
through the agency, and when they reach the decision to allow their child to be
adopted, it has been a long well thought out process. So, once the revocation
period is done and the adoption is finalized, there are no legal grounds on
which the birth parents or family could come back and take the child away. It’s
just not going to happen.
10. So when do you get to go pick up your kid? – It’s not like the adoption agency has a drive thru and we can just
swing by tomorrow on our way home from work and pick up a kid.
Once our home
study process is completed, we will have to create a profile book for birth mothers
to look through. Then we wait for a birth mother to select us. That process
could take as little as a few weeks to a few months, but on average a domestic
adoption through our agency is completed in 9-12 months. Our goal is still to
have a child home for Christmas.
11. How much is your kid going to cost? – Because
we switched to a domestic adoption it is going to be a little less than
international, but the total cost is somewhere between $25,000-$30,000
12. Why so much? Where does it all go? – Legitimate
question. Most of it goes to cover legal fees and agency fees, but some of it
does help to cover the birth mothers medical costs.
13. Will you tell your child that they are
adopted? – Yes we will eventually when we feel the time is right. Again
that is one of the reason that we want to have some type of openness in our
adoption so that we can give answers to our child when they need them.
14. You are doing lots of fundraisers to help
with the costs. If you can’t afford to pay for the adoption, how are you going
to afford to take care of the child? – We are able to take care of a child,
and we have spent a lot of time going through our family budget to make sure
that is the case. The issue is that we don’t currently have $30,000 just
sitting there that we could use for the adoption. Before you can take the child
home form the hospital you have to write that final check for the placement
fee, and we just don’t have it sitting there right now. We are saving and
making lots of sacrifices to get the money, but yes we are also trying to find
creative ways for our friends and family to help. However, we believe that no
matter the circumstance, God will provide all of our needs
15. What can we do to help? – You can start
by praying for us. You can also just help us get our story out there by sharing
our blog and facebook page with your friends, and lastly just participate in
our fundraisers.
Hopefully this answered some
questions. If you do have any other questions, please ask us. You can comment
below or ask us face to face. We will gladly answer any questions that anyone has.
We are so excited about this journey, and we want to share it with as many
people as possible.
Brian
