Mother's Day

Mother's Day.  It's a day a lot of women who deal with infertility dread.  It can be a day that reminds us of something we so long to become.  For those who have lost a baby, it can be filled with grief and sorrow.  While we celebrate other family and friends who are moms, it's a day that can be hard. For the last 7 years, those are things I have felt.  It's not easy to say that.  In the past this day has been shared with feelings of embarrassment, hurt, shame and worry.  But this year was different.


This year, for the first time, I felt grace and peace.  I've prayed for this Mother's Day after our adoption dissolved.  I prayed that God would help me through it.  I didn't want to go to church this weekend.  I wanted to stay at home, sleep in, stay in my pajamas and watch movies.  But I knew that wasn't what God wanted for me.  So, instead of having feelings of fear and worry, I saw things in a new way.


I saw our friends who are new foster parents come to church with a mother of one of the boys they are fostering.  It hasn't been an easy road for them.  They've grown attached to the sweet children they've welcomed into their home.  I can only imagine the strength it took to invite that mom, but they are selfless and knew it was best for the son they are sharing and his mom.  They're filled with grace and a strength I've never seen before.


I saw friends who have struggled with infertility celebrate Mother's Day with their miracle babies.  Whether it was their first, second, third or fourth baby, it was a struggle to conceive these little blessings but today we got to celebrate these little joys.


I saw friends who were moms for the very first time come to church tired, with spit up on their Mother's Day dresses, no makeup on, and smiling.  They were celebrating their sweet little ones and this new chapter in their lives.

I got to talk to my mom and let her know how much I love and miss her.   When you don't live close to your family, days like these sometimes slip by because you don't see them.  But it makes me miss them more.

Brian and I got to talk to his mom.  Brian was reunited with her this past April, it was also the first time I ever got to meet her.  Their relationship had some struggles in the past, they've seen each other once in about 23 years.  But the love in her heart for her son is something I can't wait to experience for my own son.  She has always said she has 4 children, even though they hadn't seen each other in years.  She's always loved him and prayed for the day when she would see him again.  She's so excited to be a mamaw to our Little Chimi.


If I had chosen to go about my day the way I had planned, I would have missed all of this and so much more.  But God had something different planned for me.  He had me reframe my vision and see things in a new perspective.  He's given me the hope, confidence and peace that next year will be the first Mother's Day I'll get to celebrate with a baby and I can't wait.  Every day we are one day closer to becoming parents.

106 Days

If you have kids, or even if you don't, try to imagine with me that you or your wife is pregnant and tomorrow is the expected due date. Imagine how excited you would be because at any given moment your life is going to change forever, and if you were going to become a first time parent imagine how nervous you might be. All of your friends and family would be giving you advice, some good, some bad, some you have no idea what they are even talking about. For me, I know that as the soon to be father I would have already had a lot of sleepless nights worrying about whether I was going to be a good father. What parenting philosophy should I follow? Do I even have a parenting philosophy? I'd be wondering how I'm going to afford all of the stuff that comes with a new baby; diapers, clothes, car seats, swing, toys, and all of the other stuff that you probably don't really need.


Do people really use the Mr. Milker? What about the snot sucker? I mean look at the kids eyes in that picture. She looks like she will be scarred for life. When I was a kid, if you got called a snot sucker that was a bad thing. Now in order to be a good parent you literally have to be a snot sucker? It's all so confusing.


Remember that old Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day (ironically today is groundhog's day) where he relives the same day over and over?  For 106 days that is where Lauren and I have been. On October 19, 2015 we received a letter from our adoption agency that informed us that our home study was complete and that our profile book was being shown to birth mothers. At that moment our "due date" became tomorrow. At any moment we could get a phone call telling us that we were parents. So, all of the same emotions and questions, and fears that you have being nine months pregnant and only a few days away from the birth of your child, we have all of those and then some.

I am not writing this to complain about the waiting that is involved, but it has definitely been the hardest part for me. The way that I have chosen to deal with it is probably not the best way, but it has been effective. I have basically chosen to not think about it and to try to fill my time with other things. For me those "other things" have been finally building a farmhouse table for our dining room, and finally trying to start my own catering company. I'm pretty proud of both of those things, and they have really helped me keep my mind occupied over the past 106 days. I don't ever want to speak for Lauren, but I think she has tried to do basically the same thing. She has stayed busy with her jewelry business, and she does an amazing job with helping to run the eGroups at our church. Again, trying to keep our minds occupied while waiting may not be the best way to handle this period of our adoption process, but it has been effective so far. We are still just as excited about the fact that we could get a phone call any minute, but we aren't stressing about it if we don't get that phone call today because there is still the same opportunity tomorrow.

What I realized over the past few weeks is that the way I have handled this portion of the process has lead to some of the people who have supported us the most having questions about whether we are even still adopting. To those of you who have supported us through prayer and especially through our fundraising efforts, yes we are still adopting and we are so thankful for your support. We can not wait for you all to be introduced to our child(ren), and we can not wait to share with our child(ren) how much they were loved, even before they got here.

Just since October we have had 23 couples that we know either have a baby, or find out that they are pregnant. We are so happy for those friends and we celebrate their joy with them, but it has been hard as we are just waiting for a phone call. So it is always appreciated when someone asks us about the adoption or supports in some way. We realize that it can be awkward to ask us about the adoption because most people have no clue about what to say. Please know that it's ok to not know what to say, and that we appreciate everyone who is supporting us.

Now for a shameless plug, because it all goes to help pay for our adoption. If you are interested in some amazing jewelry, contact Lauren to ask how you could get some for free or go to laurenhigdon.mypremierdesigns.com, and if you are in need of catering services, contact Brian at bigchimicatering@gmail.com or through facebook @bigchimicatering.

Thank you all so much for your continued support.